Understanding the Grieving Process: Why There’s No “Right” Way to Grieve

Loss touches us all—though not always in the ways we expect. Whether you’re grieving a loved one, a significant relationship, a job, or even a familiar version of yourself, grief isn’t simply about what is lost—it’s about how we live onward. Understanding the grieving process & why there’s no “right” way to grieve gives space to your experience, your pace, and your path.

What Is the Grieving Process?

Grief is the emotional response to any kind of significant loss. It doesn’t always look like sadness. It may show up as anger, emptiness, confusion, guilt, or sometimes a quiet numbness. Because of its many forms, grief resists tidy explanations. One important truth is that there isn’t a single correct timeline or approach. In fact, telling someone they must “move through stages” a certain way can add shame, confusion, or the belief that they’re doing it wrong.

Exploring the Stages of Grief

One of the best‑known frameworks is the five‑stage model which include the following emotions:

• Denial: “This can’t be real.”

• Anger: Natural frustration

• Bargaining: “What if” or “if only” thoughts that reflect attempts to regain control

• Depression: Deep sadness or emptiness

• Acceptance: Acknowledging reality, learning to live with loss

A variation expands this—adding

• Shock: Numbness, disbelief, or detachment

• Guilt: Feelings of responsibility or regret

• Reconstruction: rebuilding life — finding new routines, creating meaning, and re-engaging with the world while carrying the memory of what was lost.

Academic Insight

Research shows that grief activates brain regions linked to attachment and stress, explaining why emotional pain can feel physically painful and overwhelming. Supportive relationships, self-compassion, and emotional expression have been shown to ease the intensity of grief and promote healing.

While the stages model remains popular for its simplicity, empirical studies show it does not describe most grieving journeys in a neat, linear way. For example, a longitudinal study found many grief indicators peaked around six months, but the order and presence of stages varied widely. Moreover, scholars caution that emphasizing fixed stages can make people feel like they are grieving incorrectly.

What This May Mean for Your Journey

• You might skip one or more “stages.”

• You might move back and forth between feelings (one day anger, the next relief).

• You might find your grief looks nothing like the “textbook” version—and that’s okay.

• Allowing flexibility removes pressure and invites self‑compassion.

Your Own Unique Process

Honoring your individual experience of grief is essential for genuine healing. When you let go of the “shoulds” — such as “I should feel this” or “I shouldn’t still feel that” — you create space to simply be with your emotions as they are. This openness reduces unnecessary suffering by easing the guilt that comes from thinking you’re grieving the “wrong” way. Allowing your process to unfold naturally helps you adjust to your new reality at your own pace, fostering true integration rather than avoidance. In doing so, you build resilience, developing the emotional strength and flexibility that support you through future challenges.

Tools to Support your Grieving Process

1. Name what you feel. Statements like “I feel angry today” or “I’m not okay with how things changed” activate your self‑awareness and help you move through emotions rather than getting stuck.

   
   

2. Create small rituals. A memory jar, a candle, a photo, a letter unsent—these offer tangible acknowledgement of the loss and your bond.

   
   

3. Allow movement between emotional modes. The dual‑process model of grief highlights that healthy grieving often shifts between confronting the loss and focusing on restoration of life.

   
   

4. Practice self‑compassion. Speak to yourself as you would a dear friend: “I’m allowed to feel this,” “This is hard, and I’m doing my best.”

   
   

5. Reach out when it gets heavy. If your grief begins to interfere deeply with your daily life, relationships, or sense of self for months on end, consider professional support. Grief doesn’t always lead to clinical depression, but it can. Early help matters.

Personal Reflection

I remember losing someone very close to me and feeling completely disoriented when my emotions didn’t arrive in any clear order. For a while, I thought I was doing grief “wrong,” until I realized I was simply moving through my own unique process.

Grief isn’t about reaching a finish line—it’s about integrating the experience and learning to carry it in new ways. When you release the idea of a “right” timeline, you free yourself from shame and create space for authentic healing and growth.

Why This Matters

Understanding that there’s no “right” way to grieve is not just a comforting idea—it’s a validation. It reminds you that loss has no manual and your heart doesn’t follow an instruction booklet. Recognizing that your grief can look like your grief frees you to grieve openly, deeply, and authentically. And from that place, healing—however gradual—becomes possible.

If You're Looking for Support

If your grief feels more like an unending tunnel than a journey, consider reaching out. Therapy or grief‑support groups offer safe space to explore your emotions, tools to cope, and the real reminder—you are not alone.

If you found this helpful, consider sharing it with someone who might be struggling with grief and loss.